A Spade by Any Other Name

Can I just take a moment to say that the juice fast is the most annoying trend in progressive nutrition today?

Give me a break with this horse shit notion that starvation 2.0 provides long-term health and wellness benefits. Forget the laughable idea that engaging in prolonged culinary masochism somehow demonstrates a strength of the human will. And please do not try to spin some nonsense about cleansing one's body and mind: If you want to be cleansed, GET A GODDAMN COLONOSCOPY!

The fact is that "juice fast" is just the politically correct answer to what those of us who aren't in denial refer to as an "eating disorder." The idea originated (at least in my fantasy) when some self-righteous, trust-fund suckling, faux-feminist realized she needed a way to get that bulimic body she's always wanted without losing her ability to pass holier-than-thou judgement on the fashion industry or any woman she passes in the street that happens to be skinnier than her.

But how could she accomplish the difficult task of dropping a ludicrous amount of weight in a short stint, while still maintaining the liberal credibility to shake her finger at a society that values a woman based on her dress size???

AH-HAH! What if she could starve herself under the guise of some more noble cause? Physical and spiritual cleansing perhaps? What if she could create a diet that despite flying in the face of all natural instincts, managed to actually increase her standing amongst her fur boycotting friends? What if she could disguise what would otherwise be considered an eating disorder so that instead of being labeled "ill," she would be thought of as "strong willed."

And thus, the juice fast was born. In reality: little more than anorexia with a twist of cucumber. But in the eyes of self-concious women obsessed with belittling "the culture of skinny" while still longing to participate: the perfect means to an end.

"Mmmm, the hand tremors and uteral bleeding means it's working!"

Flashforward to the present, and every girl with an insecurity and a dream can self-righteously pretend to cleanse, while secretly emulating the US Weekly pics they claim to despise.

The problem is, you ain't foolin anybody, ladies. Might as well stick to the ol' finger down the throat trick - at least that way the food still tastes good goin down! But give us a break with the "fastsing." If you really can't live without juice... grab a fucking V8.

Jim Webb: Man, Myth, Rottweiler VP

Is there any debate that Jim Webb should be an absolute lock for the Democratic Vice Presidential slot? What better fit to team up with the Golden Boy than a mouth-foaming, teeth grinding, bone crushing junkyard dog?

Webb burst back onto the national scene in 2006 when he beat down incumbent George Allen (aka the Leather Headed Buffoon) in a race to become Virginia's junior senator. (When I say "beat down," I mean "won the race by 0.5%," but in the South against a popular incumbent, I'm willing to take a few liberties with language.)

Since then, he's made it his personal mission to be a thorn in the administration's side, blasting their top-heavy economic bias (see the brilliant WSJ op-ed titled "Class Struggle"), their habitual fear mongering and their dreadful mismanagement of the Iraq war. Most recently, he's gained bi-partisan praise for his sponsorship of the G.I. Bill, which pays for veterans to go to college following service. But the highlight of Webb's early senate career may have been when, at a reception for new congressional members, he refused to have his picture taken with W, admitting candidly that "I'm not particularly interested in having a picture of me and George W. Bush on my wall."

What kind 0f credibility does Webb behind voicing such scathing opinions? Only that he is both a highly decorated Marine veteran AND served as Secretary of the Navy under the ghost of conservatism past himself, Ronald Reagan. Webby was a darling of that administration, and he was long thought of as a rising star amongst Republicans. The hitch, of course, is that it didn't take long watching W and co. in action for Webby to realize that his party had been hijacked and bolt a train headed straight for the abyss. He has made a living over his first two years in office angily debunking the absurd "What Would Reagan Do" LIES of the administration/FOX News/every Republican who ever dreamed of getting the party's '08 nomination.

(On a side note, Webby is one of only a handful of congressional members who have a child serving in Iraq, and he confessed to wanting to "slug" W in the grill when the President asked him how his son was doing.)

The moral of the story is that Jim Webb is a GROWN ASS MAN who won't hesitate to choke somebody if they get in his way. Let's get serious here: This is a guy who eats raw sirloin for breakfast, 39 uncooked goose eggs with the shells still on for lunch, then goes off into the Virginia wilderness to kill a buffalo with his bare hands for dinner.

I pity the fool who crosses Jim Webb on a good day, let alone one in which his wife has been nagging him about taking the trash out.

But Barack Obama needs a guy like this. Let's ignore for a minute the attractive fact that Webby puts Virginia very much in play and just look at the man himself. Barack Obama needs someone that will go bat-shit crazy on any moron who dares question the Golden Boy's patriotism. Barack Obama needs someone to say, "John, I know you spent 5 years in a tiger cage, but while you were busy becoming the Manchurian Candidate, I was out in the South Asian jungle, sweating my balls off and knocking Viet-Cong heads. You ain't the only one who can talk about war here, Grandpa - and I've even got the Pacific Rim wife to show for it!"

Of course, there are concerns that Webb might be too much of a lose cannon. I myself have developed a recurring nightmare in which during his Convention speech, a flash bulb triggers Webby to go into 'Nam flashback mode and launch himself headlong into the Hawaii delegation screaming "I'LL KILL YOU CHARLIE, YOU COMMY SON OF A BITCH!!!" I always wake up at the exact moment that Daniel Inouye lets out a death cry as the snarling Webby chomps down on his ankle while strangling another innocent delegate with her own lei.

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that even certain elements of my nightmare might not be so bad for Obama, so long as that fury can be channeled against the right people. Barack is a transcendent figure. And he's at his best when he is allowed to inspire the nation through sweeping addresses and bold visions for America's future. Again, he needs a vice president that is going to give him the cover he needs to stay above the fray. He needs a guy who's willing to say "If you go after my boy, I gurantee you're gonna be pissing blood for a week. "

And what better man for that job than Jim Webb?