A Spade by Any Other Name

Can I just take a moment to say that the juice fast is the most annoying trend in progressive nutrition today?

Give me a break with this horse shit notion that starvation 2.0 provides long-term health and wellness benefits. Forget the laughable idea that engaging in prolonged culinary masochism somehow demonstrates a strength of the human will. And please do not try to spin some nonsense about cleansing one's body and mind: If you want to be cleansed, GET A GODDAMN COLONOSCOPY!

The fact is that "juice fast" is just the politically correct answer to what those of us who aren't in denial refer to as an "eating disorder." The idea originated (at least in my fantasy) when some self-righteous, trust-fund suckling, faux-feminist realized she needed a way to get that bulimic body she's always wanted without losing her ability to pass holier-than-thou judgement on the fashion industry or any woman she passes in the street that happens to be skinnier than her.

But how could she accomplish the difficult task of dropping a ludicrous amount of weight in a short stint, while still maintaining the liberal credibility to shake her finger at a society that values a woman based on her dress size???

AH-HAH! What if she could starve herself under the guise of some more noble cause? Physical and spiritual cleansing perhaps? What if she could create a diet that despite flying in the face of all natural instincts, managed to actually increase her standing amongst her fur boycotting friends? What if she could disguise what would otherwise be considered an eating disorder so that instead of being labeled "ill," she would be thought of as "strong willed."

And thus, the juice fast was born. In reality: little more than anorexia with a twist of cucumber. But in the eyes of self-concious women obsessed with belittling "the culture of skinny" while still longing to participate: the perfect means to an end.

"Mmmm, the hand tremors and uteral bleeding means it's working!"

Flashforward to the present, and every girl with an insecurity and a dream can self-righteously pretend to cleanse, while secretly emulating the US Weekly pics they claim to despise.

The problem is, you ain't foolin anybody, ladies. Might as well stick to the ol' finger down the throat trick - at least that way the food still tastes good goin down! But give us a break with the "fastsing." If you really can't live without juice... grab a fucking V8.