A quick thought on June 3, 2008: The night Barack Obama won the nomination. I'll do my best to remain objective, so as to be fair and balanced to all parties involved....
On second thought, screw it.
Hillary wins the award for "Most Blatant Lack of Class by an American Political Figure Since... Bill Clinton During the South Carolina Primary." This should come as no surprise. Her campaign has established her as the odds on favorite to win this award since she her air of inevitability first got dinged in Iowa. Time after time, Clinton and her surrogates have demonstrated an uncanny ability to behave like spoiled shits at every turn: race bating, fear mongering and even all out lying without remorse. Tuesday night was just the crescendo of a horrific symphony to which we've all been a captive audience. And I don't think I'm alone in realizing that my ears are bleeding.
Still though, somehow I was delusional enough to think that this would be the night she surprised us. Somehow, I imagined that the Clintons, so savvy all these years, would understand the magnitude of what was at hand and realize, "Hey, if we play our cards right, we could really come out of this thing looking good." The stage was set for her to share in the triumph of the evening: two historic candidates fighting until the end, then laying down their arms to join together in celebration of such an important campaign. Everything was in place for this to be Hillary's night too.
And what did she do? She took that opportunity, she took that historic moment, and she used it for leverage. She shrunk it down to just another political jab. She exploited it for yet another self-indulgent power play - a power play that was made to sound even more repulsive just 30 minutes later, when Barack Obama took to the stage for his victory speech and spent a solid 3-4 mintues lavishing sincere praise on Clinton and her accomplishments.
The contrast was un-fucking-believable.
Oh sure, there were a few nice passages about her memories from the primary season. And yes, she did give Barack token congratulations on having "run" (not "won") a great campaign. But there is no question what the real point of this speech was. After being introduced as the "next president of the United States" by Manic-in-Chief, Terry McCullough, Hillary jumped on the chance to strong-arm Senator Obama. She demanded that her followers be heard (as if Barack planned on ignoring 40% of the Democratic electorate). She continued to peddle lies about winning the popular vote, thereby adding fuel to the ridiculous notion among her supporters that she is being robbed. She declined to acknowledge that the race was over. And she refused to endorse. In short, she all but came straight out and scream "You better put me on that ticket or I'm taking my ball and going home."
It was nauseating. As Jeffrey Toobin put it, an speech of "deranged narcissism." And you know what? Like every other classless tactic her campaign has employed over the past 6 months, I'd bet ten bucks this one will backfire.
Consider this: Aside from infuriating the Obama camp with such thinly veiled threats, she has now created an even larger issue - one that won't heal over the coming months. Even if Barack wanted to put her on the ticket or felt he owed her a spot on the ticket, he absolutely can't now for fear of appearing weak. Thanks to Hillary's bullying approach, her being named to the ticket would bring into play fundamental questions about Barack Obama's ability to lead. It would be suicide for a candidate who advocates engaging with foreign dictators to cave before an enemy within his own house. The Republican talking points would write themselves, for Christ's sake. That speech made an Obama/Clinton ticket completely unworkable.
So congrats, Hillary. The pitch was right in your wheelhouse and you struck out.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
A Spade by Any Other Name
Can I just take a moment to say that the juice fast is the most annoying trend in progressive nutrition today?
Give me a break with this horse shit notion that starvation 2.0 provides long-term health and wellness benefits. Forget the laughable idea that engaging in prolonged culinary masochism somehow demonstrates a strength of the human will. And please do not try to spin some nonsense about cleansing one's body and mind: If you want to be cleansed, GET A GODDAMN COLONOSCOPY!
The fact is that "juice fast" is just the politically correct answer to what those of us who aren't in denial refer to as an "eating disorder." The idea originated (at least in my fantasy) when some self-righteous, trust-fund suckling, faux-feminist realized she needed a way to get that bulimic body she's always wanted without losing her ability to pass holier-than-thou judgement on the fashion industry or any woman she passes in the street that happens to be skinnier than her.
But how could she accomplish the difficult task of dropping a ludicrous amount of weight in a short stint, while still maintaining the liberal credibility to shake her finger at a society that values a woman based on her dress size???
AH-HAH! What if she could starve herself under the guise of some more noble cause? Physical and spiritual cleansing perhaps? What if she could create a diet that despite flying in the face of all natural instincts, managed to actually increase her standing amongst her fur boycotting friends? What if she could disguise what would otherwise be considered an eating disorder so that instead of being labeled "ill," she would be thought of as "strong willed."
And thus, the juice fast was born. In reality: little more than anorexia with a twist of cucumber. But in the eyes of self-concious women obsessed with belittling "the culture of skinny" while still longing to participate: the perfect means to an end.
Flashforward to the present, and every girl with an insecurity and a dream can self-righteously pretend to cleanse, while secretly emulating the US Weekly pics they claim to despise.
The problem is, you ain't foolin anybody, ladies. Might as well stick to the ol' finger down the throat trick - at least that way the food still tastes good goin down! But give us a break with the "fastsing." If you really can't live without juice... grab a fucking V8.
Give me a break with this horse shit notion that starvation 2.0 provides long-term health and wellness benefits. Forget the laughable idea that engaging in prolonged culinary masochism somehow demonstrates a strength of the human will. And please do not try to spin some nonsense about cleansing one's body and mind: If you want to be cleansed, GET A GODDAMN COLONOSCOPY!
The fact is that "juice fast" is just the politically correct answer to what those of us who aren't in denial refer to as an "eating disorder." The idea originated (at least in my fantasy) when some self-righteous, trust-fund suckling, faux-feminist realized she needed a way to get that bulimic body she's always wanted without losing her ability to pass holier-than-thou judgement on the fashion industry or any woman she passes in the street that happens to be skinnier than her.
But how could she accomplish the difficult task of dropping a ludicrous amount of weight in a short stint, while still maintaining the liberal credibility to shake her finger at a society that values a woman based on her dress size???
AH-HAH! What if she could starve herself under the guise of some more noble cause? Physical and spiritual cleansing perhaps? What if she could create a diet that despite flying in the face of all natural instincts, managed to actually increase her standing amongst her fur boycotting friends? What if she could disguise what would otherwise be considered an eating disorder so that instead of being labeled "ill," she would be thought of as "strong willed."
And thus, the juice fast was born. In reality: little more than anorexia with a twist of cucumber. But in the eyes of self-concious women obsessed with belittling "the culture of skinny" while still longing to participate: the perfect means to an end.
"Mmmm, the hand tremors and uteral bleeding means it's working!"
Flashforward to the present, and every girl with an insecurity and a dream can self-righteously pretend to cleanse, while secretly emulating the US Weekly pics they claim to despise.
The problem is, you ain't foolin anybody, ladies. Might as well stick to the ol' finger down the throat trick - at least that way the food still tastes good goin down! But give us a break with the "fastsing." If you really can't live without juice... grab a fucking V8.
Jim Webb: Man, Myth, Rottweiler VP
Is there any debate that Jim Webb should be an absolute lock for the Democratic Vice Presidential slot? What better fit to team up with the Golden Boy than a mouth-foaming, teeth grinding, bone crushing junkyard dog?
Webb burst back onto the national scene in 2006 when he beat down incumbent George Allen (aka the Leather Headed Buffoon) in a race to become Virginia's junior senator. (When I say "beat down," I mean "won the race by 0.5%," but in the South against a popular incumbent, I'm willing to take a few liberties with language.)
Since then, he's made it his personal mission to be a thorn in the administration's side, blasting their top-heavy economic bias (see the brilliant WSJ op-ed titled "Class Struggle"), their habitual fear mongering and their dreadful mismanagement of the Iraq war. Most recently, he's gained bi-partisan praise for his sponsorship of the G.I. Bill, which pays for veterans to go to college following service. But the highlight of Webb's early senate career may have been when, at a reception for new congressional members, he refused to have his picture taken with W, admitting candidly that "I'm not particularly interested in having a picture of me and George W. Bush on my wall."
Webb burst back onto the national scene in 2006 when he beat down incumbent George Allen (aka the Leather Headed Buffoon) in a race to become Virginia's junior senator. (When I say "beat down," I mean "won the race by 0.5%," but in the South against a popular incumbent, I'm willing to take a few liberties with language.)
Since then, he's made it his personal mission to be a thorn in the administration's side, blasting their top-heavy economic bias (see the brilliant WSJ op-ed titled "Class Struggle"), their habitual fear mongering and their dreadful mismanagement of the Iraq war. Most recently, he's gained bi-partisan praise for his sponsorship of the G.I. Bill, which pays for veterans to go to college following service. But the highlight of Webb's early senate career may have been when, at a reception for new congressional members, he refused to have his picture taken with W, admitting candidly that "I'm not particularly interested in having a picture of me and George W. Bush on my wall."
What kind 0f credibility does Webb behind voicing such scathing opinions? Only that he is both a highly decorated Marine veteran AND served as Secretary of the Navy under the ghost of conservatism past himself, Ronald Reagan. Webby was a darling of that administration, and he was long thought of as a rising star amongst Republicans. The hitch, of course, is that it didn't take long watching W and co. in action for Webby to realize that his party had been hijacked and bolt a train headed straight for the abyss. He has made a living over his first two years in office angily debunking the absurd "What Would Reagan Do" LIES of the administration/FOX News/every Republican who ever dreamed of getting the party's '08 nomination.
(On a side note, Webby is one of only a handful of congressional members who have a child serving in Iraq, and he confessed to wanting to "slug" W in the grill when the President asked him how his son was doing.)
The moral of the story is that Jim Webb is a GROWN ASS MAN who won't hesitate to choke somebody if they get in his way. Let's get serious here: This is a guy who eats raw sirloin for breakfast, 39 uncooked goose eggs with the shells still on for lunch, then goes off into the Virginia wilderness to kill a buffalo with his bare hands for dinner.
I pity the fool who crosses Jim Webb on a good day, let alone one in which his wife has been nagging him about taking the trash out.
But Barack Obama needs a guy like this. Let's ignore for a minute the attractive fact that Webby puts Virginia very much in play and just look at the man himself. Barack Obama needs someone that will go bat-shit crazy on any moron who dares question the Golden Boy's patriotism. Barack Obama needs someone to say, "John, I know you spent 5 years in a tiger cage, but while you were busy becoming the Manchurian Candidate, I was out in the South Asian jungle, sweating my balls off and knocking Viet-Cong heads. You ain't the only one who can talk about war here, Grandpa - and I've even got the Pacific Rim wife to show for it!"
Of course, there are concerns that Webb might be too much of a lose cannon. I myself have developed a recurring nightmare in which during his Convention speech, a flash bulb triggers Webby to go into 'Nam flashback mode and launch himself headlong into the Hawaii delegation screaming "I'LL KILL YOU CHARLIE, YOU COMMY SON OF A BITCH!!!" I always wake up at the exact moment that Daniel Inouye lets out a death cry as the snarling Webby chomps down on his ankle while strangling another innocent delegate with her own lei.
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that even certain elements of my nightmare might not be so bad for Obama, so long as that fury can be channeled against the right people. Barack is a transcendent figure. And he's at his best when he is allowed to inspire the nation through sweeping addresses and bold visions for America's future. Again, he needs a vice president that is going to give him the cover he needs to stay above the fray. He needs a guy who's willing to say "If you go after my boy, I gurantee you're gonna be pissing blood for a week. "
And what better man for that job than Jim Webb?
(On a side note, Webby is one of only a handful of congressional members who have a child serving in Iraq, and he confessed to wanting to "slug" W in the grill when the President asked him how his son was doing.)
The moral of the story is that Jim Webb is a GROWN ASS MAN who won't hesitate to choke somebody if they get in his way. Let's get serious here: This is a guy who eats raw sirloin for breakfast, 39 uncooked goose eggs with the shells still on for lunch, then goes off into the Virginia wilderness to kill a buffalo with his bare hands for dinner.
I pity the fool who crosses Jim Webb on a good day, let alone one in which his wife has been nagging him about taking the trash out.
But Barack Obama needs a guy like this. Let's ignore for a minute the attractive fact that Webby puts Virginia very much in play and just look at the man himself. Barack Obama needs someone that will go bat-shit crazy on any moron who dares question the Golden Boy's patriotism. Barack Obama needs someone to say, "John, I know you spent 5 years in a tiger cage, but while you were busy becoming the Manchurian Candidate, I was out in the South Asian jungle, sweating my balls off and knocking Viet-Cong heads. You ain't the only one who can talk about war here, Grandpa - and I've even got the Pacific Rim wife to show for it!"
Of course, there are concerns that Webb might be too much of a lose cannon. I myself have developed a recurring nightmare in which during his Convention speech, a flash bulb triggers Webby to go into 'Nam flashback mode and launch himself headlong into the Hawaii delegation screaming "I'LL KILL YOU CHARLIE, YOU COMMY SON OF A BITCH!!!" I always wake up at the exact moment that Daniel Inouye lets out a death cry as the snarling Webby chomps down on his ankle while strangling another innocent delegate with her own lei.
But the more I think about it, the more I realize that even certain elements of my nightmare might not be so bad for Obama, so long as that fury can be channeled against the right people. Barack is a transcendent figure. And he's at his best when he is allowed to inspire the nation through sweeping addresses and bold visions for America's future. Again, he needs a vice president that is going to give him the cover he needs to stay above the fray. He needs a guy who's willing to say "If you go after my boy, I gurantee you're gonna be pissing blood for a week. "
And what better man for that job than Jim Webb?
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